Oxhorn's Christmas Tree
OXHORN (OX) and STAGHORN (STAG) are standing by the dock of a bay, fishing. Each time they cast, they whistle a little bit more of “Good King Wenceslas”. MORT rides up on his kodo.
MORT
Hey N00bs,. What R U doin?”
OX
Fishing. I'm trying to find some for the big feast we're throwing.
STAG
And I doth be trying to catch-eth the Pecan Trout that OX told me lives here.
OX
Yeah, about that... I have to come clean. There's no such thing as a Pecan Trout.
STAG
What?!
OX
Sorry, but it was the only way I could get you to come fishing with me.
STAG
But I could-eth be eating pecan pies right now!
OX
Yeah, but now that you're here, you can't tell me that this isn't fun.
STAG
Yes, I suppose that's true.
The two turn back around and cast again while whistling.
MORT
D00dz stop ur fishin' and come with me. LACY finished decorating the tree.
OX & STAG
Yay!
Here we have the heroes do a long epic riding of kodos to Mulgore set to music. Only when they reach the first zeppelin, they stop and we hear elevator carols. Then they get on the kodos and it gets epic again, until the next zeppelin, when they hear more carols (they are coming from Northrend. The camera and our heroes arrive in Mulgore and see the tree.
LACY
Hello boys.
STAG
Wow-eth! That dost be the prettiest tree I hath ever seen!
OX
Its mighty fine! Look it even has elf ears on it! *sniff* All my dreams are coming true.
Just then the other dinner guests arrive, headed by MR. EVIL (APE).
APE
This had better be worth it. I was about to experiment on a baboon.
OX
Hey! Glad you guys could make it. Did you bring the kodo-eggnog?
APE
Of course! And I brought a little something extra to make the eggnog... drinkable.
QUINTUS walks up.
QUINTUS
Mind if I crash the party?
APE
How dare you show your ugly face here! You stole my job you jerk. Get out!
APE kicks QUINTUS.
Just then there is lightning and thunder. Clouds emerge in the sky.
MORT
Omg wtf? What's happenin' d00d?
STAG
It's doomsday! Quick! Where's the pie?
A magical dome suddenly appears around the tree.
OX
Oh no, the tree!
OX runs towards the tree. He jumps into the still-forming magical sphere and kicks the tree out of the way. But before he can escape, the magical sphere solidifies over him and he is trapped.
STAG
OX!
The sphere reverberates and flashes or something then vanishes. OX is gone.
APE
What the blazes just happened?
STAG
Look, a note!
MORT walks up and picks up the note. He pauses for a moment as we see his back, then he turns around and shrugs.
MORT
D00d I can't read this. It's in English.
STAG walks up and snatches it from him.
STAG
Give-eth me that.
STAG reads the note aloud.
STAG
“Dear Oxhorn and Friends,
We, the Night and Blood Elves, have stolen your tree because of Oxhorn's elf hatred. We won't give it back until we receive an apology. And some tofu-turkeys.
Sincerely,
The Elves
P.S. A little humus spread would also be quite nice. Original flavor. Thanks.”
Camera pans towards the tree which is lying on its side.
STAG
They didst try to take the tree but nabbed-eth Ox instead. We have to do something!
MORT
Where did they take him d00d?
STAG
I guess... either Darnassus or Bloodsomething city.
APE
That particular magical dome has the hallmark of Blood Elf magic. I'd say Blood-city is the safest bet.
STAG
I see. Well then, it doth seem that we have been given a quest of epic proportions.
MORT
Oh boy.
Here the scene gets all epic and stuff with lots of contrast and glowing rays of light.
STAG
Duty calls, lords and ladies. We must rescu-eth our friend!
HAT runs up from the side.
HAT
Oh! Let me come too!
STAG kneels to speak with the turtle and chuckles a bit.
STAG
Ah, ye have-eth a stout heart young warrior--
MORT
UGH.
STAG
--but can ye wield-eth a sword? Can ye carry-eth a shield?
HAT
No... but I will fight as best as I may!
STAG
Hah! Come then, brave singing turtle, and meet thy destiny!
HAT
I'm so excited!
MORT
This is unbearable.
He turns and whistles. Butcher, Gusher and Thrasher, the dragons from the last episode, arrive.
APE
Hey guys, wait a minute.
STAG
Farewell mine friends, for we may never meet again!
APE
Wait confound you!
With a roar, STAG leaps upon the dragon, and is followed by MORT and HAT. As they ride into the distance, you can hear STAG say:
STAG
On Butcher! On Thrasher! On Gusher! On to glory!
MORT
You make me physically sick nub.
Fade to black. Text and voice over appears:
VO
Oxhorn's Christmas Special will be right back, after these messages.
Commercial.
Break ends. Scene fades in to OX's face, close up. It then zooms out to reveal that OX is tied up to a wall, spread-eagle.
OX
Wh-what do you want?
Camera turns 180. He is in some sort of magical elf facility, or maybe outside (would be easier to edit later). There are also cameras standing around, with a Blood Elf flag behind OX, reminiscent of a jihadist propaganda film. Our good Engineer Elf (ENG) from IPU is standing there.
ENG
Isn't this amazing. My plan has exceeded my wildest expectations.
OX
What are you talking about!?
ENG
We've all heard about how much you hate elves, and now you are here among us. You are a much better prize than your simple holiday tree.
OX
My what?
ENG
Your holiday tree.
OX
...Oh, you mean my Christmas tree?
The elves in the room gasp. Some scream in the background, “oh, my ears!”.
ENG
Don't call it that!
OX
Call it what?
ENG
You know... THAT! Some people get offended if you don't call it a holiday tree. You shouldn't be incentive!
RANDOM ELF
Incentive!
Ox
But... wait, most people like calling it a Christmas tree, and actually get offended at the term “Holiday Tree”. If you force them to change their terminology, doesn't that...make... you, insensitive?
Crickets chirp. Camera pans to ENG. Background Elf turns and scratches or something. Camera switches back to OX. Then back to ENG.
ENG
Look, that isn't the point. What matters is that you are now under our control, and we have a few demands.
OX
Ok, shoot.
ENG
First, you must give us 500 lbs. of humus.
OX
Uh... sure.
ENG
Original flavor.
OX
Ok.
ENG
Second, since we don't have any food prepared to celebrate the (emphasis) HOLIDAY, you must buy us a really big tofu-turkey.
OX
All right.
ENG
And make it taste like a real turkey as best you can. Lastly! We want an apology.
OX
For what?!
ENG
Why, for hating us elves, of course!
OX
Look, I don't “hate” you in any malicious, I just hate your long ears, and your flawless skin and your... stupid dances!
ENG
Blasphemy!
OX
And I hate how everyone and their mother wants to be an elf because they saw The Lord of the Rings and fell in love with Orlando Bloom. You're just so bleeding... trendy!
ENG
Apologize.
OX
No.
ENG
Apologize, or else!
OX
Or else what?
ENG
Or else we will torture you.
OX
Oh no... what, will you shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails?
ENG
No.
OX
Will you pin me to the ground, cover my nose in honey and then pour fire ants on me?
ENG
No.
OX
Well what then! Tell me your plans!
ENG
We will dance... on top of mailboxes.
Camera points at OX. He pauses.
OX
You heartless beasts.
ENG
So then you apologize?
Big dramatic music. Camera pans in close on OX, and he lowers his head.
OX
I will never apologize.
ENG
That's it! Elves, do your worst!
A curtain is drawn backwards revealing a host of mailboxes with scantily-clad Blood and Night Elves dancing on them.
OX
No! It's horrible! The dancing... is so bad! Oh, put some clothes on, have some decency! RAAAAARGH!
Scene switches to outside the Blood Elf city. The dragons fly away.
STAG
Bye Butcher, by Crusher, by Thrasher—fare ye well!
MORT
(waves)
Later doodz!
The trio (HAT is there) turns around to see APE and the crowd there waiting for them.
HAT
Woah! How did you gents get here?
APE
I can cast portals you know. I tried to tell you before you flew away.
STAG
Wait... I thought you were a warlock.
APE
(haughtily)
What I am, my dear fellows, defies explanation.
MORT
Whatever nub-cakes.
APE
Shut up you.
Just then they all hear OXHORN's scream coming from the elf compound.
STAG
I dost hear-eth the sound of a friend in dire need. My spirit awakens within me, and my soul is stirred for battle.
MORT
Lol, rox0rz-box0rz omg? Cut the stupid talk and let's just pwn those nubs with our ubar l33t hax, ftw!
STAG
As our good MORT has suggested...
He faces the camera and draws his weapon. APE flips into LCV and everyone gets in battle mode.
STAG
Charge!
Here the music turns into a traditional Christmas tune, but composed specifically for this movie. I want it to be up-beat and catchy, to be in stark contrast to the slow-motion fight scene that will ensue. The heroes charge into the Blood Elf base and attack the dancing elves. HAT leaps through the air and snaps OX's shackles with his mighty jaws. The song ends with a glorious Christmas-ish crescendo and the scene fades out, with our heroes victorious, standing amongst the ruin.
The next scene takes place back in Mulgore. The guys are well into their Christmas party and a Christmas tune is playing in the background. OX is walking around, making sure everyone is having a good time.
OX
How's that kodo eggnog?
STAG
(slightly drunk)
It's tasty! But I think Mr. Evil did something to it.
He turns to face-off camera.
You're a naughty little zombie Mr. Evil -hiccup!- you know that? Naughty zombie.
OX
Enjoying the turkey?
THUNK
Turkey! Turkey for everybody!
OX
Good, I'll take that as a yes. How about you MORT, having fun?
MORT is off with LACY, who is blushing a lot. He turns around when OX addresses him.
MORT
Leave me alone n00b, I'm seducing LACY.
OX
But... she's already your wife.
MORT
Just cuz we're married don't mean I can't flirt with her.
LACY
Oh! You scoundrel.
OX
Awww, that's gross.
OX walks outside the camp (it's night) and stands by a nearby fire to look at the stars. Just then he sees the ENG and HIPPY ELF from the fight come walking up.
OX
Oh! What, you guys wants some more?
ENG
Um... no... actually, the elves fired me as their Protest Organizer and I'm... kinda out of work at the moment. And I'm... hungry.
OX
Oh. Um... w...ant something to eat?
ENG
(after a pause)
Don't you want me to apologize first?
OX
Hah! Nah, just come in and have some eggnog.
ENG
Thanks. As long as its spiked.
OX
Hey, do I look like the kind of guy that would serve plain eggnog?
The camera is above them and slowly pushes away as they talk idly while walking into the camp. Movie closes with a resounding Christmas music finish. Snowflakes fall, as do the credits.
FIN
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