Dynamic Action Team Episode 04: "The Spice Must Flow"
Scene opens with FRANSWAH. He is in his space ship hovering over a planet trying to sell some spice. The interactions mainly happen through the UI.
FRANSWAH
What? You’ll only give me 200 Sporebucks for my spice? But this is red spice! Why would my starting planet have red spice if the stuff is only worth 200?
Creature says something ridiculous and silly.
FRANSWAH
Um… sorry, didn’t catch that.
Creature says it again.
FRANSWAH
…yeah, I’m going to… go now.
Creature says it again.
FRANSWAH
You too.
FRANSWAH leaves orbit and as he flies, he mutters to himself.
FRANSWAH
(muttering)
Of all the worthless planets in this galaxy, why did I have to appear on one with red spice and eyeball trees. I mean, come on. Where’s the sense in trees with eyeballs on them. How do they pollinate? (mutter)
He arrives at GUSTAV’s planet.
GUSTAV
Yeah?
FRANSWAH
Hey GUSTAV, I need some money to buy a Planet Buster to get rid of an annoying neighbor of mine. Need any red spice?
GUSTAV
You’re kidding, right? I’ve got more red spice than I know what to do with. Use it to season your steaks or something, I’m not buying it.
FRANSWAH
ARG! That’s it, I’ve had it with this place! First we got molested by ridiculous hybrid-moose-hamster creatures, and then we had to go through three stages of evolution to get to the Space Stage so we can sell worthless spice to a bunch of ungrateful and ridiculously dressed space aliens. I mean, what’s the point, really!?
GUSTAV
Calm down FRANSWAH, you’re forgetting all the fun we had customizing ourselves, our cities and our spaceships to get here. I’m actually really enjoying the Space Stage. What was your favorite stage?
FRANSWAH
Well… I guess the Creature Stage. I made myself look pretty cool, remember?
Flashback to the Creature Stage. Three creatures stand in a semicircle facing the camera. They have the bodies of SPORE creatures and the heads of TF2 characters.
FRANSWAH
Look at this! I’ve got dragon wings! I can fly all over the place. Now if only I could breathe fire.
GUSTAV
Wow, where’d you get them?
FRANSWAH
Oh I found them in a pile of bones. Yeah I just pulled them out and stuck them to my back here. They tickled for a while but now they feel great. And they look fantastic.
GUSTAV
That’s cool. Hey, how do you like my horn?
FRANSWAH
What, the one sticking out of the middle of your face?
GUSTAV
No, the other one.
FRANSWAH
I…don’t see another one–
GUSTAV
Yes I know, I was being sarcastic.
FRANSWAH
Oh. Yeah, looks nice…. but, does it have to be right in the middle of your face like that?
GUSTAV
Oh yes, there is no better way to charge my enemies than with a horn coming right out of my face.
FRANSWAH
Ok, well I lied… it actually looks stupid.
GUSTAV
I prefer to design myself based on function, not on how pretty I look.
FRANSWAH
Suit yourself.
FRANSWAH turns to MOP, as if noticing him for the first time.
FRANSWAH
Woah. Mop, what’s that jazz dangling above your head?
MOP
Isn’t it cool? It’s like a big dangling pimple!
GUSTAV
And… what on earth is that on your…
GUSTAV is referring to the giant nipples sticking out of his chest.
MOP
On my what?
FRANSWAH
Um… are those…
MOP
Yes?
GUSTAV
Nevermind.
FRANSWAH
I suddenly hate this stage.
Scene cuts back to FRANSWAH and GUSTAV in space.
GUSTAV
All right that was pretty lame.
FRANSWAH
What was the stage after the Creature Stage?
GUSTAV
Um, Civilization?
FRANSWAH
No, no there was one before that.. oh yeah, it was the Tribal Stage, remember?
Flashback to Tribal Stage. FRANSWAH, GUSTAV and MOP are just standing doing nothing inside their tribe town. Little duplicates of themselves are running around the place. The three are looking straight ahead with confused looks on their faces. This stage lasts for maybe five seconds and immediately cuts back to GUSTAV and FRANSWAH talking.
GUSTAV
Nope. I don’t remember the Tribal Stage.
FRANSWAH
Yeah, me neither.
GUSTAV
But then came the Civilization Stage, and you got to use your powers of oration to convert non-believers.
Flashback to Civilization Stage. A giant hologram of FRANSWAH is floating above an enemy city:
FRANSWAH
(HOLOGRAM)
Come, join me, and together we can cut that woood! You don’t want to be slaves to money, and the last thing you want is war, right? So join me, and we shall demolish entire forests with zeal!
Camera switches to one of FRANSWAH’s cities being captured by GUSTAV.
FRANSWAH
Hey! GUSTAV, what are you doing?
GUSTAV
I bought your city! Money equals power buddy, money equals power.
Just then MOP comes by with a fleet of tanks and aircraft, tearing FRANSWAH and GUSTAV to shreds while laughing.
MOP
Hahahah! I’m a warlord! Military trumps Economy and Religion! Come my little sandwiches, attack!
Flashback to Space Stage.
FRANSWAH
That reminds me, where is Mop?
GUSTAV
Take a guess.
Scene switches to Mop dropping bombs on his enemies.
MOP
Hahaha! Oh, whats this? A little city all on its own? Time to taste my BOMBS, ahahaha!
MOP starts dropping bombs on the city. Switch to MOP at another town.
MOP
Oh, hello little flock of critters. You look mighty tasty, but guess what would make you taste better? If you were FRIED! Hahahahaha!
MOP zaps the herd of creatures with his laser. Scene switches to Mop hovering above a city.
MOP
Hi there, over-populated city. It’s alien abduction time! Hahahaha! Oh, you want me to put you down? Ok! Bwahahahah!
MOP released the citizens and they all plummet to their death. Just then FRANSWAH contacts him via his intercom.
FRANSWAH
MOP, hey MOP, stop messing around and come to GUSTAV’s planet. We’re getting out of here.
MOP
Awww, but I haven’t reduced this planet’s core temperature causing it to freeze over and thereby exterminating all life on it yet.
FRANSWAH
Tough luck! We’re tired of this place and we’re getting out, now come on.
MOP
Ok.
Intercom goes out.
The three ships converge in space, or in a planet’s atmosphere, whichever is easier.
FRASNWAH
Oh good, there’s MOP. Ok, so here’s the plan. Everyone I talk to keeps mentioning the center of the galaxy, as if the Galactic Core has some special power. I think it can get us out of here, and I suggest we try it.
GUSTAV
All right, but we need to be careful. An alien race called the GROX guards the Galactic Core, and I hear they attack all ships on sight. I’ve got a cloaking device so I’ll just cloak and meet you there. How will you guys get there?
MOP
I’ve got some friends that will come with me, so I’ll just fight my way through. What about you FRANSWAH?
FRANSWAH
Um… I’m not sure… I guess I’ll just stock up on Energy and Repair Packs and use them as I need.
GUSTAV
All right, sounds good. Meet you there!
FRANSWAH scrolls out and appears at the star map. He talks to himself as he heads towards the core.
FRASNWAH
All right, so there’s the core… doesn’t look too far, I’ll just… hop between these stars here…
He gets attacked by the GROX.
FRANSWAH
Hey. Hey leave me alone. Look, I’m not being hostile, I just want to see what’s at the center of the galaxy. Come on, leave me alone. Ugh, are you seriously going to do this the whole way?
Scene cut. Text appears that says, “Three Hours and 800 Energy and Repair Packs later”
FRANSWAH
Ugh, I can’t take it anymore!
He scrolls in on a GROX planet and hails them.
FRANSWAH
Hey, what is your problem, I’m just trying to get to the Galactic Core and your ships wont leave me alone.
GROX
We hate you and everything you stand for.
FRANSWAH
Why? You don’t even know what I stand for!
GROX
Ok, you have one chance to explain.
FRANSWAH
Very well then, let me tell you about the joys of cutting wood.
Slide appears that says “Fifteen Minutes Later”.
FRANSWAH’s ship arrives at the Core, where MOP and GUSTAV have been waiting for him.
GUSTAV
Wow, what took you so long?
FRANSWAH
The GROX wouldn’t leave me alone, so I had to give them a stern talking to. Now they’re collecting wood for me throughout the galaxy.
GUSTAV
Huh. Well, at least we can say that we left this place better than we found it.
MOP
So where will this Galactic Core take us? Back home?
FRANSWAH
I hope so. Hey, have you guys wondered what the other guys are doing at home?
Scene switches to the ENGINEER in a room with six computers.
ENGINEER
All right, I’ve installed SPORE on all six of my computers so that I can share my wonderful creations with my friends. Now to log onto the game and design my next masterpiece.
Screen zooms into a monitor desktop. ENGINEER double-clicks on the SPORE shortcut and a window pops up with text on it. He reads it aloud.
ENGINEER
“Warning: EA has detected that you have installed this game on too many computers, violating our DRM policy. Since you are such a naughty boy, we are now going to blow up all of your computers. Thanks again for playing SPORE!”?
Camera pans out to show the six computers with the ENGINEER sitting in front of one. They blow up, and the ENGINEER screams and falls backwards.
Scene switches back to the Galactic Core with our heroes circling it.
GUSTAV
Nah, they probably haven’t even noticed that we’re gone. Anyhow, let’s do this thing!
Before they can jump into the Galactic Core, the screen gets all squiggly while the three heroes mutter:
FRASNWAH
Eh? What’s going on?
MOP
I’m scared!
GUSTAV
What the heck?
The screen burns away like movie film burning before a hot projector. They find themselves standing on a black field. They are quiet for a moment.
FRANSWAH
Oh come on, this is getting ridiculous.
GUSTAV
We were almost there too. I feel sick.
MOP
Well at least we aren’t in that horrible world of endless grass like last time.
They all mutter together: “Yes, That’s True, Yep”.
Suddenly a Diablo-esque Tome of Town Portal appears in the blackness next to them. The three exclaim and step back.
FRANSWAH
Oh sure, like that isn’t bleeding obvious.
MOP
Well, I guess it’s our only option.
MOP enters the portal.
FRANSWAH
Wait! That’s what they want us to do!
GUSTAV
Yeah, but it’s not like we can stand here in darkness forever. Come on, let’s see what’s on the other side.
GUSATV enters the portal leaving FRANSWAH standing alone. After a time, FRANSWAH talks.
FRANSWAH
Oh gee, I wonder where I’m supposed to go next. Surely not this inconspicuous big blue portal.
He pauses.
FRANSWAH
Really? This is my only option? Can’t you send a town-car? Or perhaps I could get a private jet, eh?
He pauses again.
FRANSWAH.
Ugh, fine.
He leaps into the portal. The warp animation plays and he arrives in the middle of some Diablo 2 town.
There is a pause.
FRANSWAH
Yep. Totally didn’t see this coming.
FIN
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