Script: "The Spice Must Flow"

Dynamic Action Team Episode 04: "The Spice Must Flow"

Scene opens with FRANSWAH. He is in his space ship hovering over a planet trying to sell some spice. The interactions mainly happen through the UI.

FRANSWAH

What? You’ll only give me 200 Sporebucks for my spice? But this is red spice! Why would my starting planet have red spice if the stuff is only worth 200?

Creature says something ridiculous and silly.

FRANSWAH

Um… sorry, didn’t catch that.

Creature says it again.

FRANSWAH

…yeah, I’m going to… go now.

Creature says it again.

FRANSWAH

You too.

FRANSWAH leaves orbit and as he flies, he mutters to himself.

FRANSWAH

(muttering)

Of all the worthless planets in this galaxy, why did I have to appear on one with red spice and eyeball trees. I mean, come on. Where’s the sense in trees with eyeballs on them. How do they pollinate? (mutter)

He arrives at GUSTAV’s planet.

GUSTAV

Yeah?

FRANSWAH

Hey GUSTAV, I need some money to buy a Planet Buster to get rid of an annoying neighbor of mine. Need any red spice?

GUSTAV

You’re kidding, right? I’ve got more red spice than I know what to do with. Use it to season your steaks or something, I’m not buying it.

FRANSWAH

ARG! That’s it, I’ve had it with this place! First we got molested by ridiculous hybrid-moose-hamster creatures, and then we had to go through three stages of evolution to get to the Space Stage so we can sell worthless spice to a bunch of ungrateful and ridiculously dressed space aliens. I mean, what’s the point, really!?

GUSTAV

Calm down FRANSWAH, you’re forgetting all the fun we had customizing ourselves, our cities and our spaceships to get here. I’m actually really enjoying the Space Stage. What was your favorite stage?

FRANSWAH

Well… I guess the Creature Stage. I made myself look pretty cool, remember?

Flashback to the Creature Stage. Three creatures stand in a semicircle facing the camera. They have the bodies of SPORE creatures and the heads of TF2 characters.

FRANSWAH

Look at this! I’ve got dragon wings! I can fly all over the place. Now if only I could breathe fire.

GUSTAV

Wow, where’d you get them?

FRANSWAH

Oh I found them in a pile of bones. Yeah I just pulled them out and stuck them to my back here. They tickled for a while but now they feel great. And they look fantastic.

GUSTAV

That’s cool. Hey, how do you like my horn?

FRANSWAH

What, the one sticking out of the middle of your face?

GUSTAV

No, the other one.

FRANSWAH

I…don’t see another one–

GUSTAV

Yes I know, I was being sarcastic.

FRANSWAH

Oh. Yeah, looks nice…. but, does it have to be right in the middle of your face like that?

GUSTAV

Oh yes, there is no better way to charge my enemies than with a horn coming right out of my face.

FRANSWAH

Ok, well I lied… it actually looks stupid.

GUSTAV

I prefer to design myself based on function, not on how pretty I look.

FRANSWAH

Suit yourself.

FRANSWAH turns to MOP, as if noticing him for the first time.

FRANSWAH

Woah. Mop, what’s that jazz dangling above your head?

MOP

Isn’t it cool? It’s like a big dangling pimple!

GUSTAV

And… what on earth is that on your…

GUSTAV is referring to the giant nipples sticking out of his chest.

MOP

On my what?

FRANSWAH

Um… are those…

MOP

Yes?

GUSTAV

Nevermind.

FRANSWAH

I suddenly hate this stage.

Scene cuts back to FRANSWAH and GUSTAV in space.

GUSTAV

All right that was pretty lame.

FRANSWAH

What was the stage after the Creature Stage?

GUSTAV

Um, Civilization?

FRANSWAH

No, no there was one before that.. oh yeah, it was the Tribal Stage, remember?

Flashback to Tribal Stage. FRANSWAH, GUSTAV and MOP are just standing doing nothing inside their tribe town. Little duplicates of themselves are running around the place. The three are looking straight ahead with confused looks on their faces. This stage lasts for maybe five seconds and immediately cuts back to GUSTAV and FRANSWAH talking.

GUSTAV

Nope. I don’t remember the Tribal Stage.

FRANSWAH

Yeah, me neither.

GUSTAV

But then came the Civilization Stage, and you got to use your powers of oration to convert non-believers.

Flashback to Civilization Stage. A giant hologram of FRANSWAH is floating above an enemy city:

FRANSWAH

(HOLOGRAM)

Come, join me, and together we can cut that woood! You don’t want to be slaves to money, and the last thing you want is war, right? So join me, and we shall demolish entire forests with zeal!

Camera switches to one of FRANSWAH’s cities being captured by GUSTAV.

FRANSWAH

Hey! GUSTAV, what are you doing?

GUSTAV

I bought your city! Money equals power buddy, money equals power.

Just then MOP comes by with a fleet of tanks and aircraft, tearing FRANSWAH and GUSTAV to shreds while laughing.

MOP

Hahahah! I’m a warlord! Military trumps Economy and Religion! Come my little sandwiches, attack!

Flashback to Space Stage.

FRANSWAH

That reminds me, where is Mop?

GUSTAV

Take a guess.

Scene switches to Mop dropping bombs on his enemies.

MOP

Hahaha! Oh, whats this? A little city all on its own? Time to taste my BOMBS, ahahaha!

MOP starts dropping bombs on the city. Switch to MOP at another town.

MOP

Oh, hello little flock of critters. You look mighty tasty, but guess what would make you taste better? If you were FRIED! Hahahahaha!

MOP zaps the herd of creatures with his laser. Scene switches to Mop hovering above a city.

MOP

Hi there, over-populated city. It’s alien abduction time! Hahahaha! Oh, you want me to put you down? Ok! Bwahahahah!

MOP released the citizens and they all plummet to their death. Just then FRANSWAH contacts him via his intercom.

FRANSWAH

MOP, hey MOP, stop messing around and come to GUSTAV’s planet. We’re getting out of here.

MOP

Awww, but I haven’t reduced this planet’s core temperature causing it to freeze over and thereby exterminating all life on it yet.

FRANSWAH

Tough luck! We’re tired of this place and we’re getting out, now come on.

MOP

Ok.

Intercom goes out.

The three ships converge in space, or in a planet’s atmosphere, whichever is easier.

FRASNWAH

Oh good, there’s MOP. Ok, so here’s the plan. Everyone I talk to keeps mentioning the center of the galaxy, as if the Galactic Core has some special power. I think it can get us out of here, and I suggest we try it.

GUSTAV

All right, but we need to be careful. An alien race called the GROX guards the Galactic Core, and I hear they attack all ships on sight. I’ve got a cloaking device so I’ll just cloak and meet you there. How will you guys get there?

MOP

I’ve got some friends that will come with me, so I’ll just fight my way through. What about you FRANSWAH?

FRANSWAH

Um… I’m not sure… I guess I’ll just stock up on Energy and Repair Packs and use them as I need.

GUSTAV

All right, sounds good. Meet you there!

FRANSWAH scrolls out and appears at the star map. He talks to himself as he heads towards the core.

FRASNWAH

All right, so there’s the core… doesn’t look too far, I’ll just… hop between these stars here…

He gets attacked by the GROX.

FRANSWAH

Hey. Hey leave me alone. Look, I’m not being hostile, I just want to see what’s at the center of the galaxy. Come on, leave me alone. Ugh, are you seriously going to do this the whole way?

Scene cut. Text appears that says, “Three Hours and 800 Energy and Repair Packs later”

FRANSWAH

Ugh, I can’t take it anymore!

He scrolls in on a GROX planet and hails them.

FRANSWAH

Hey, what is your problem, I’m just trying to get to the Galactic Core and your ships wont leave me alone.

GROX

We hate you and everything you stand for.

FRANSWAH

Why? You don’t even know what I stand for!

GROX

Ok, you have one chance to explain.

FRANSWAH

Very well then, let me tell you about the joys of cutting wood.

Slide appears that says “Fifteen Minutes Later”.

FRANSWAH’s ship arrives at the Core, where MOP and GUSTAV have been waiting for him.

GUSTAV

Wow, what took you so long?

FRANSWAH

The GROX wouldn’t leave me alone, so I had to give them a stern talking to. Now they’re collecting wood for me throughout the galaxy.

GUSTAV

Huh. Well, at least we can say that we left this place better than we found it.

MOP

So where will this Galactic Core take us? Back home?

FRANSWAH

I hope so. Hey, have you guys wondered what the other guys are doing at home?

Scene switches to the ENGINEER in a room with six computers.

ENGINEER

All right, I’ve installed SPORE on all six of my computers so that I can share my wonderful creations with my friends. Now to log onto the game and design my next masterpiece.

Screen zooms into a monitor desktop. ENGINEER double-clicks on the SPORE shortcut and a window pops up with text on it. He reads it aloud.

ENGINEER

“Warning: EA has detected that you have installed this game on too many computers, violating our DRM policy. Since you are such a naughty boy, we are now going to blow up all of your computers. Thanks again for playing SPORE!”?

Camera pans out to show the six computers with the ENGINEER sitting in front of one. They blow up, and the ENGINEER screams and falls backwards.

Scene switches back to the Galactic Core with our heroes circling it.

GUSTAV

Nah, they probably haven’t even noticed that we’re gone. Anyhow, let’s do this thing!

Before they can jump into the Galactic Core, the screen gets all squiggly while the three heroes mutter:

FRASNWAH

Eh? What’s going on?

MOP

I’m scared!

GUSTAV

What the heck?

The screen burns away like movie film burning before a hot projector. They find themselves standing on a black field. They are quiet for a moment.

FRANSWAH

Oh come on, this is getting ridiculous.

GUSTAV

We were almost there too. I feel sick.

MOP

Well at least we aren’t in that horrible world of endless grass like last time.

They all mutter together: “Yes, That’s True, Yep”.

Suddenly a Diablo-esque Tome of Town Portal appears in the blackness next to them. The three exclaim and step back.

FRANSWAH

Oh sure, like that isn’t bleeding obvious.

MOP

Well, I guess it’s our only option.

MOP enters the portal.

FRANSWAH

Wait! That’s what they want us to do!

GUSTAV

Yeah, but it’s not like we can stand here in darkness forever. Come on, let’s see what’s on the other side.

GUSATV enters the portal leaving FRANSWAH standing alone. After a time, FRANSWAH talks.

FRANSWAH

Oh gee, I wonder where I’m supposed to go next. Surely not this inconspicuous big blue portal.

He pauses.

FRANSWAH

Really? This is my only option? Can’t you send a town-car? Or perhaps I could get a private jet, eh?

He pauses again.

FRANSWAH.

Ugh, fine.

He leaps into the portal. The warp animation plays and he arrives in the middle of some Diablo 2 town.

There is a pause.

FRANSWAH

Yep. Totally didn’t see this coming.

FIN