Script -- Inventing Swear Words 4

Scene 01

Cold opening.

Ox, Stag, Mort and Hat are at a stag party. Ox and Mort are wearing antlers.

Close up, Ox’s face.

Ox

I… I just don’t think I can do it. I can’t ft any more.

Camera zooms out to show Hat sitting nearby. Staghorn is lying on the ground nearby.

Hat

Come on you whoopsie, I’ve done three so far.

Ox

Yes, and look at you! How could you possibly fit three in that little belly of yours?

Hat

Takes practice.

Ox

What about you Mort? It’s your stag party. How many have you eaten?

Camera zooms out to see Mort cannibalizing a stag corpse.

Ox

Woah, still going at it, I see. Well, eat your fill! Tomorrow you get married, and I’m sure these are better eats than Lacy’s cooking. What about you Stag, how are you doing?

Stag

Nnng.

Ox

Heh, look guys, Stag’s in a food-coma.

Stag

Too many hooves… tastes like… elf.

Hat

Come now Oxhorn, you’ve only eaten one whole stag. You’re making your entire race look bad. Eat up.

Ox

All right, all right. I’ll eat one more.

Oxhorn shakes himself, clears his throat and coughs.

Open wide and say yum-yum,

one more stag into me come!

Camera flies up and goes into Oxhorn’s mouth. Scene transitions either into an ISW montage like Futurama, or into an ISW4 title screen that shows wedding cakes with Mort and Lacy on it and wedding invitations, etc.

Scene 02

Scene opens up outside a chapel. We see a sign outside the chapel inviting people to the wedding of Mortuus and Lacy. Camera then switches inside and shows Stag and Ox enter the church, much like the scene from Wedding Crashers. When Ox and Stag enter they stop at reception and begin to banter:

Ox

Oxhorn here! And this is my friend Staghorn. He’s a real chellovek! Where’s the food?

Stag

I’m as excited to be here as a level 42 gnome warlock who rolled on a green pair of cloth boots but was given an epic staff of ubar-awesome-n00b-pwning by accident. And yeah, where is the food?

Receptionist

The food will be during the reception after the wedding, sirs.

Stag

Ah, what a gyp! I feel as cheated as a paladin who soloed a group-quest, was rewarded with two gold and then had to spend fifteen gold in repair bills.

Ox

Ok, you’ve been watching too much Black Adder. Stop it.

Receptionist

It’s most traditional for the best men to stand by the bridegroom, sirs.

Ox and Stag walk up the isle towards Mort, who is standing by the podium. They take their places as his best men.

Ox

Well, you look snappy Mort.

Mort

Lolz, yeah d00dz, I gets teh wedding now, ftw!

Stag

Thy hat dost seem out of place.

Mort

I’m having a bad hair day. Besides n00b, u has teh helmets on.

Ox

Yeah, he’s having a bad face day.

Staghorn

This is my face.

Ox

Exactly.

Stag

Come now Mortuus, thy hair can’t be that bad. Take off the hat.

Mort

Lolz okies nub-cakes.

Mort takes off the hat. His hair sticks straight out and looks horrible. Camera shows his hair and there is a stunned silence with some dramatic scary-violin-strings-chirping music. Camera switches to Ox and Stag and gives them a close up.

Ox

Gah! Put it on! Put it on!

Stag

For the love of Leeroy, hide thy hideous hair.

Mort puts his hat back on.

Ox

Whew, I felt close to death there for a moment.

Stag

Yea, my life didst flash before mine eyes.

Pause.

Ox

So… what, drinking all your meals through a straw, being perpetually spurned by women and dealing with a rather horrid rash from never changing your armor?

Stag

Shut-th your pie hole.

Ox

Actually, yours is the pie hole. I’m still mad at you about that.

Stag

Heheh.

Just then the “here comes the bride” music starts playing from some sort of pipe organ. Lacy appears at the doorway in a wedding gown. Behind her the three children from the Christmas Special walk throwing flower petals. As they pass the isles we see A.P.E. and Quintus sitting in the booths, talking.

Quintus

Ah, she looks radiant, doesn’t she master?

A.P.E.

Yeah, she radiates “ugly”.

Lacy reaches the steps and Mort stands next to her.

Mort

I luvs ya d00d.

Lacy

And you’re my favorite bag of bones sweet-ums.

Warlord Gorechuck performs the service. He stands before them all and says:

Gorechuck

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God, and in the presence of these witnesses, to join together this man and this… woman… in holy matrimony.

Mortuus, it is your duty to love Lacy as yourself, provide tender leadership, and protect her from any ninja-looters or back-stabbing Rogues who pwn n00bs without any regard to their level that one time I was in Westfall.

Mort

ROFLMAO! I am a back-stabbing Rogue, imba!

Gorechuck

Lacy it is your duty to treat Mortuus with respect, support him, and create a healthy, happy home, where you will raise many cute little… um, dead-cowbies. Eh, erm, remember that in both interest and affection, you are to be one and undivided.

And now, if there be any here who can show just cause why these two… people… should not lawfully be joined together, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Pause.

Anyone?

Stag

Why dost they even put-eth this part in the ceremony? They should take it out.

Ox

Well, it’s supposed to heighten drama… but don’t worry, people usually wait until the end to object. You know, when the preacher says “I now pronounce you husband and wife”, but then someone objects right before he says “wife”.

Stag

Ah yes, that dost be how it usually goes. So very predictable.

Gorechuck

Really? No one? This is your big moment! Thunk, any objections? No? Sure? Ok then.

Breath.

Ah, thought I saw a hand in the back there… no? Just stretching? Sure? Last chance! All right.

Do you, Mortuus, take this… woman, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, as long as you both shall live?

Mort

Lolz, wtf? Course I do nub-cakes I gave her a bloitting ring, didn’t I? Rox0rz-box0rz omg-l33t-hax-XD!

Gorechuck

Um… yes.

And do you, Lacy, take Mortuus to be your husband, to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, as long as you both shall live?

Lacy

Oh yes, he’s my bony little love-puddle.

Gorechuck

Well then! Since you’ve really decided to commit to this Mortuus… er, and Lacy too, of course, I now pronounce you husband and w--

Scene 03

Just then the doorway is crowded with a bunch of scantily clad female Blood Elves. Their leader yells “Stop!”. Crowd gasps.

Gorechuck

Oh come now, I waited like five minutes and no one said a thing. This isn’t fair.

Elf Leader

This marriage cannot proceed! It is an abomination and must be stopped.

Mort

Woah nubs, ftl? Who r U d00dz, eh?

Elf Leader

We are adorable Blood Elves (and at this the blood elves start purring and tossing their hair and sounding seductive). We are thin, beautiful and attractive. Morty just can’t be chained down by marriage—he’s too ubar and handsome to belong to one woman

Mort

Gah! They’re after me zombie bones!

Mortuus runs off screaming. The Elves proceed to follow him but Lacy steps forward.

Lacy

What in AZEROTH do you think you are doing. This is MY day!

Elf

Mortuus just doesn’t know what he is missing. He hasn’t tested out our goods yet, and how can he marry if all he’s ever known is you? Look darling, we’re saving you from heartbreak later on. He’ll marry you, become dissatisfied later, and then he’ll come running to us.

Lacy

My Morty-pie loves me because he loves me, and that’s what’s important. You little floozies had best be on your way before I get angry. And you don’t want to see Lacy angry.

Elf

Hah! Idle threats from a creature with a face like a used bathroom mop do not frighten us! Our waists are thin and our ears are long. Our legs are smooth and our noses are cute. Don’t fool yourself, girl. This marriage is madness.

Lacy

Madness? This is… MY WEDDING!

At this, Lacy and her bridesmaids attack with their bouquets. Scene from 300—side view of Lacy and her bridesmaids running in slow motion down the isle, attacking the advancing Blood Elves. They stab the Elves with their bouquets, killing them all.

Stag

(ox and stag start clapping after ‘too”)

Wow-eth, I didn’t know there would be a show too—bravo! Encore!

Ox

Now all we need are some lions and a couple of gladiators and we’re set. Bring out the olives and vino!

Scene 04

Mort and Lacy are back on the alter.

Gorechuck

Huh, I totally thought that would be the end of the wedding. Sure there are no more objections? You there in the back—

Mort

Finish the ceremony you blit or I’ll bloit you.

Gorechuck

Ah, yes, well then, where was I… ah, here we are: I now pronounce you… zombie and… cow. You may kiss the bovine. Er, bride.

Lacy and Mort kiss and the crowd erupts with cheering and flower petals. Scene switches to a dance floor where everyone is dancing and having fun. Hat and the Hordeshop Quartet are singing:

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life

Never pick a pretty woman for a wife

Here’s my personal point of view

Pick an ugly girl to marry you

Don't let your friends say you have no taste

Go ahead and marry anyway

Though her face is ugly, her eyes don't match

Take it from me, she's a better catch

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life

Never pick a pretty woman for a wife

Here’s my personal point of view

Pick an ugly girl to marry you…

During the song everyone on the dance floor is dancing and having fun. Mortuus, however, is dancing with Lacy, and as the lyrics dawn on him he stops, turns to Hat and unsheathes his sword. The other dancers stop dancing and follow Mort with their eyes. He walks up to the stage and stands next to Hat. Hat is oblivious for a while, but then the music stops and he senses Mort’s presence. Mort raises his sword.

Mort

If you don’t sing something else you blit, I’ll flak your wolsh with this gratting sword you chakking bloit of a singing turtle.

Hat turns to Mort in bewilderment for a moment.

Hat

Um…

He turns back towards Lacy and begins to sing:

Hat

You are so beautiful, to Mort,

Evidently, -he-he-he!

You’re everything he’s hoped for,

And I guess,

You’re everything he needs…

You are apparently so very beautiful…

To Mort!

Mort

That’s better n00b. Now try something upbeat.

Hat

You got it.

Hat sings a song while the party gets wild and Lacy and Mort dance:

Dance, fellows, dance!

You’re wearing your dancing pants!

Celebrate this happy day

Just dance, fellows, dance!

Mortuus married his sweetheart lads,

He gave no other woman a glance

So give your lady a sparkling ring

And then be sure to dance!

Dance, fellows, dance!

You’re wearing your dancing pants!

Celebrate this happy day

Just dance, fellows, dance!

Don’t be like those other guys

Who use women at their every chance

Just find one lady, be true to her

And then be sure to dance!

Dance, fellows, dance!

You’re wearing your dancing pants!

Celebrate this happy day

Just dance, fellows, dance!

Scene 04

After the song the scene goes dark and we see the words “Later that night”. Scene opens to the dance floor where people are passed out, or sitting drinking, and food and chairs and stuff are strewn everywhere. Ox and Stag are sitting in the middle of it.

Stag

I’m so full… I-I’m just so full.

Ox

That is the feeling of a night well spent.

Pause.

You know… I’m going to miss Mort.

Stag

What dost thou mean-eth? It’s not like he’s going anywhere.

Ox

Well he has a wife now, and she’ll take up most of his time. I just hope he’ll still be able to come on our adventures.

Stag

Oh I’m sure he will.

Pause.

Hey. What do you think they’re doing right now?

Hat pops out from under some garbage, papers, or cloth of some sort.

Hat

That, gentlemen, is something best left un-said.

Ox

And un-imagined.

Pause.

All three shudder at the same time.

Stag

Dead-Cowbies.

Ox and Stag lie down and go to sleep. Scene switches to Mort and Lacy in their honeymoon suite. Lacy is sitting down and Mort sings her this song:

Lovely, you’re lovely

My darling can’t you see

All that really matters is

You’re lovely to me.

I’ll take you to the forests

To see the mighty trees

The native hippy tree-huggers

Might greet you with a tease

They may point at your stout snout

Saying in your face there is the gout

But listen dear, my love for you

I’ll never give you cause to doubt

For

Lovely, you’re lovely

My darling can’t you see

All that really matters is

You’re lovely to me.

I’ll take you to the mountain tops

to dance atop the ice

the native mountain dwellers

may say things that aren’t nice

they may call you plump and wide

and say your movements shift the tide

and add another moment to

the years of tears that you’ve cried

But

Lovely, you’re lovely

My darling can’t you see

All that really matters is

You’re lovely to me.

They kiss.

THE END